(Disclaimer: While everyone’s opinions are always welcomed here, I wish to point out that this post covers some rather controversial thoughts, and represents a watershed moment in my life. The things said herein are near and dear to me, and, while it is certainly not my intent to offend, or to incite, my only wish is that if you do feel the need to oppose the things said here, please do so in a respectful manner. It is not my intent to evangelize. I am not attempting to convert anyone (nor will I ever), I am just “coming clean” about a few things.)

“Well, darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable,

And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear.

I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket

I sailed my ship of safety ‘til I sank it

I’m crawling on your shore.”

“Closer to Fine”-Indigo Girls

Have you ever wished you had all the answers? I don’t mean just the answers to the little things—I mean all of them. To be sure, the truth is out there, but we tend to cover it up with our conjectures. I do not have all the answers; just a head full of half-concocted speculations. I believe God is real. I have recently been convinced that Jesus was indeed the Anointed One of God, and his words and actions were the perfect distillation of God’s truth. It’s not my business what others believe, or what they think of what I believe. It’s my business to do God’s business. That is not speculation.

It has taken me a long time to get the courage to say those words out loud (or type them “out loud”, as the case may be). Fear of ridicule from those who don’t believe, fear of condemnation from those who believe differently than I about who, or what, God is, and fear of my own crippling inability to express my views about God in an articulate manner have kept me from “coming out”, as it were. None of that fear has kept me from believing in God, it has just prevented me from being entirely honest with myself and others.

It’s not enough, it seems, for us to just say “I believe in God”, to try to live out our lives in a manner which would be pleasing to God, or to try to respect the little divine spark that is in every other living creature. We must conform to the proper creed, we must become a member of the correct clique, or we face seemingly eternal torment from those around us because we don’t fit in.

So, you may be asking, do I still consider myself a Taoist? The answer is that from the moment I could concoct a thought on my own (and long before I ever knew what Taoism was), I have had Taoist tendencies. But, I must be quick to point out that while Taoism has indeed been transformed into a religion over the years, it was formulated as a philosophy. The fact that people have read into, and often added to, the original Taoist writings their own notions and systems and turned it into a religion can’t be ignored, but it must be clear that I have always subscribed to Philosophical Taoism, and not Religious Taoism, which are, in fact two completely different systems. Kierkegaard and Tillich were Existentialists, Aquinas was Aristotelian, and I am a Taoist. I will no longer try to escape my innate Christianity, however. I don’t believe God really cares if I read and assimilate Taoist philosophy into my life. In fact, I believe God put Taoist philosophy into the minds of the Chinese philosophers, just as He put all wisdom into the minds of people for us to use. (Why wouldn’t God want to share his wisdom with the ancient Chinese, or any other race, for that matter?)

That I will likely be called all sorts of names, ranging from “heretic” to “apostate”, that I will be evangelized at and condemned to an imagined hell by others who identify as Christians is inescapable, and of little importance. That those who harbor ill-will against all things Christian will immediately label me a weak-minded fool is also inescapable, and of equally little importance to me. None of the names that people label me with define me and the only condemnation that I need fear is from God, not man.

What makes me a Christian is not adherence to any creed or doctrine, but that I seek to follow Jesus on to the salvation that he promised to us all. While my views on what that means exactly are different from the vast majority of Christian Orthodoxy doesn’t change the fact that I strive to follow Jesus and consider him, and no other man, the final word and authority on the Kingdom of God. I do not believe Jesus was God, per se, and I do not believe in an eternal Hell for “non-believers”. (If one wishes to argue over these points, I can point them to a number of debate boards on the internet. Trust me when I say that I have spent an inordinate amount of time of late exploring these topics, and I am convinced of them. I have no inclination to debate them with anyone, nor am I trying to convince anyone of it.) There are, I have found, many thinkers in Christianity’s past who had thoughts on the subject that are similar to my own, but who have been covered over by the orthodox and labeled as heretics—some hanged or burned at the stake for their beliefs. All I can say is I’m glad they don’t burn “heretics” anymore. The isolation and seclusion that one suffers due to holding heterodox or so-called “heretical” beliefs is hell enough, believe me. In the end, though, it doesn’t matter what I think, it is the manifestation of my faith through my action that matters.

I believe that humanity’s highest goal, regardless of what belief we hold, or even if we believe in nothing, should be compassion. That’s our universal aim and calling. Compassion means “to suffer together”, and, suffer together we must. It’s not a matter of only suffering with those who believe the same way we do, or of serving someone upon the condition that they convert to our way of thinking, but of putting aside differences and committing ourselves to love and charity and peace. I do not believe God cares one iota about our formulas of Him, as long as we think of Him always. The Gospel of John says “God is love”, and I believe that. If you think of love, compassion, and justice, you think of God.  If we can learn to love unconditionally, if we suffer together for the greater good, we have manifested God on Earth. Let us not bicker over the details, but focus on this one truth: “Love conquers all.” Let that be our universal creed. Let us all suffer together to make the world not just a better place, but the very manifestation of the Kingdom of God.

I’ve come to realize that, for me, there is no definitive aside from this: “Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, mind, and soul, and love your neighbor as you love yourself.” When Jesus said this, he added the statement, “on this, you can hang all the law and prophets.”

In these brief, tranquil moments, when I manage to step away from all my mental wrangling and see the simplicity and pointed-ness of that message, I realize just how easy Jesus’ yoke and burden really are. All we are called to do is love God and our neighbor. It is about trusting that Jesus told the truth. It’s not about having “proper theology”, or lofty explanations of Jesus’ and God’s “nature”, and so on; it is simply not about our own sagacity. The loftiest wisdom humanity can ever muster will only appear as small and insignificant to the Supreme Author of all wisdom. We are to sacrifice ourselves for the good of everyone else—to love beyond dividing lines. God’s still, small voice is at its loudest in quiet acts of selflessness performed by the meekest and most unassuming of people.

Why can we not see that?

In these moments, when I see it clearly, I feel fine.

Just fine.

peace, wayf